Books I love

Alright. If you’re reading this, you’re probably in the 2.33% of clients who are READY for change or about OUT OF YOUR GOURD and can’t take it anymore so you’ll try anything, even read the books I’m suggesting.

“Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love” by Dr. Sue Johnson

I cannot RAVE enough about this book. Seriously. SERIOUSLY. If you have to start with any one book, begin here. If you and your partner wanna get to it and move from feeling stuck to deeply connected, buy the book. Read it together. Do the exercises and be amazed. From Dr. Johnson’s website - “‘Hold Me Tight’ presents a streamlined version of EFT. It walks the reader through seven conversations that capture the defining moments in a love relationship and instructs how to shape these moments to create a secure and lasting bond. Case histories and exercises in each conversation bring the lessons of EFT to life.”

“Love Sense” by Dr. Sue Johnson

I promise that I don’t just sit in my office and read Dr. Johnson’s books, although that could be very helpful. However, that being said, what she is doing to revolutionize how we approach couple’s work and our relationships is EXTRAORDINARY. I am not aware of any other couple’s therapy modality that has the results and longevity in gains that EFT creates. Dr. Johnson discusses the “new science of emotional bonding [Which] empowers you with the confidence and tools to craft make-or-break moments and weather the key stages in your relationships. Dr. Johnson outlines the three basic strategies for handling your attachment needs and fears, and offers fresh insight into the link between sex and emotional bonding. Learning how to enhance or repair the bond with your partner no longer has to be a matter of guesswork.” (from Dr. Johnson’s website)

“An Emotionally Focused Workbook for Couples: The Two of Us” by Veronica Kallos-Lilly

Veronica wrote this workbook for couples and in it, she breaks down various themes related to EFT but on a more applicable, easy-to-understand and apply format. This is a wonderful resource whether you are going through EFT therapy, are looking to better your relationship, or you want to get a jump-start on healthy relationship patterns. From the Amazon description, “This workbook is intended for use with couples who want to enhance their emotional connection or overcome their relationship distress. It is recommended for use with couples pursuing Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). [...] The material is presented in a recurring format: Read, Reflect, and Discuss. Readings help couples look at their relationship through an attachment lens, walking them through the step-by-step process of creating a secure relationship bond. 33 Reflections invite readers to engage with the material personally, expanding their own awareness and ability to tune into their partner. Discussion sections suggest relationship-building exercises and a framework for conversations that promote safety, disclosure, and engagement. Case examples, along with informative illustrations, are scattered throughout the book to validate, illustrate, and inspire couples along their journey.”

“Come As You Are” by Dr. Emily Nagoski

Dr. Nagoski wrote this book for couples (both heterosexual and LGBTQ+ couples), in situations where both partners have differing sexual experiences, which is creating tension in the relationship. In the book, she proposes that our bodies, sex, and all that come with it are BEAUTIFUL. NORMAL. THE SAME PARTS, YET ORGANIZED IN DIFFERENT WAYS. She seeks to undo dominant cultural narratives that tell us “men are just more sexual” or have “higher sex drives” and women “just aren’t turned on so easily”. Wrong. So wrong. Instead, Dr. Nagoski proposes a “dual control model”, whereby some of us have a more sensitive brake system while others of us have a more sensitive accelerator system. She then helps us learn which system applies to us, normalizes our sexual experiences, and helps us figure out how to either “turn on the turn-ons” or “turn off the turn-offs” to lead to more rewarding sexual experiences with our partners. I regularly recommend this book to my couples and I have yet to receive anything short of “Oh, yessss, we needed this!” type of reviews.

• “Come As You Are” Worksheets and Assessments click here

“Daring Greatly” by Brené Brown

The Queen of Vulnerability (as the internet has dubbed her), Dr. Brené Brown, is a qualitative researcher (meaning she reads people’s stories for a living, makes sense of these, and extracts data from these stories that supports research on vulnerability, whole-hearted living, and their opposites, shame) based in Texas. Vulnerability is a key ingredient in therapy and so, of course, her book deserves a spot here. From her Amazon book description - “Daring Greatly is not about winning or losing. It’s about courage. In a world where ‘never enough’ dominates and feeling afraid has become second nature, vulnerability is subversive. Uncomfortable. It’s even a little dangerous at times. And, without question, putting ourselves out there means there’s a far greater risk of getting criticized or feeling hurt. But when we step back and examine our lives, we will find that nothing is as uncomfortable, dangerous, and hurtful as standing on the outside of our lives looking in and wondering what it would be like if we had the courage to step into the arena—whether it’s a new relationship, an important meeting, the creative process, or a difficult family conversation. Daring Greatly is a practice and a powerful new vision for letting ourselves be seen.” Enough said.

“How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk” by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

Parents, rejoice! This book does AMAZING things for improving communication between parents and kids, and while certain aspects of this book apply more to younger children, with some minor tweaking, this book will CHANGE (read: blow your mind) how you interact with your child. It’s that good. You can expect these genius authors to address - how to help your kids cope with negative feelings (anger, sadness, frustration, etc.), promote cooperation, discover alternatives to punishment that encourage your kid to self-discipline (It really works. Seriously. I use these with my kid and I’m amazed at how I hear her talking to herself and calming down when she used to lose her sh**.), navigating family conflict (Say goodbye to standoffs that feel like hostage negotiations! Later, yelling matches!), and more. I can’t remember how often I recommend this book. It’s just that good.

“The Whole Brain Child” by Dr. Daniel J. Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson

Have you ever walked in on your child with a whole roll of toilet paper ALL. OVER. THE. BATHROOM. FLOOR., a finger up her (his) nose, and water running in the sink where your tiny human has dumped the contents of the soap dispenser into the sink and now cantaloupe-size bubble are towering over the countertop? No? Just me? If not this situation, I’m sure that you have another face-palm parenting moment. Drs. Siegel and Bryson have written an incredible book that helps us, in the trenches and mountaintops of these moments, to better understand what’s going on in our children’s minds in such moments (Seriously, what was she thinking?!). The authors also provide clear strategies for how to successfully parent our children in these hard moments as well as how to promote healthy cognitive and emotional development in how we interact with our kids.

“The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma” by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk

Last one. I promise. Trauma is a universal health concern. By the time we reach adulthood, most of us (upwards of 2/3) will report at least one adverse childhood experience (see: ACE study for more information and why this matters). If something traumatic hasn’t happened to you, you likely love someone who has faced such a situation. Trauma just isn’t being put in a life or death situation (although that certainly counts) but also encompasses varying forms of abuse, neglect, failure to have our emotional or physical needs met as children, sexual trauma, serious injuries, serious illnesses, etc. Trauma does not only impact the victim, but it likely impacts the way the person interacts with others, our relationships, views the world as safe/unsafe, capacity to build trust, emotional health, and more. If you have experienced trauma, know that I’m sorry for what you suffered. Also know that there is hope and the things that you do now that you want to stop, can stop. This book speaks to that and how trauma shapes the brain on a physical level but Dr. van der Kolk also delivers hope - our brains can learn new ways of living and trauma doesn’t have the final word.

What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing by Dr. Bruce D. Perry and Oprah Winfrey

I love this book because it is one of the most accessible, digestible books to date that helps us understand the impact of trauma in our bodies, our thoughts and feelings, and how we show up in the world with our protective moves (i.e., attacking when we feel threatened, withdrawing, avoiding conflict, etc.). Like EFT, the authors argue a bottom-up approach to change these hard-wired responses - meaning - we have to create safety to understand the emotional blocks/triggers before we can begin to heal the events that have impacted us and our behaviors. The authors use multiple real-life stories to depathologize trauma and how it affects our relationships. I highly recommend reading this book.

Podcasts I love

Videos I love

Do you sometimes just wish you could get more therapy time, on your own schedule, and for free? Enter Laurie Watson (PhD and LMFT) and George Faller’s (LMFT and EFT supervisor and trainer) Couples Podcast, FOREPLAY. They cover a range of topics from “frequency differences, low libido, her orgasm, pursuer-withdrawer dynamics, erectile dysfunction, men and vulnerability, sexual inhibition, emotional closeness,” and more. There are over TWO-HUNDRED EPISODES available and begging you to listen to these, on your own time-table. Perfect. You’re welcome.

If that podcast isn’t enough, feel free to check out the amazing work that Naomi Rather, Ph.D.,LMHC, and Deborah Curtis, LICSW, offer us through their podcast, “That Relationship Show”. They are both certified Emotionally Focused Couples Therapists and their podcast has wide-ranging topics with years worth of episodes. And when I say wide-ranging, I mean whoa. They cover anger, how to identify your negative cycle, sex, addiction, general places where couples get stuck, and more than I have time to list. It’s worth listening and getting FREEEEEEE knowledge.

“The Power of Vulnerability” by Dr. Brené Brown

Are you surprised that I included BOTH her book and video here? Well, you shouldn’t be. This video just makes my therapist heart sing. Consider it the Cliff’s Notes version of her book (see above section). This talk has been viewed millions and millions of times because she speaks to universal truths - we are all worthy of belonging, we all desire connection, and vulnerability is the birthplace where this happens. It’s worth watching and re-watching to allow her message to sink in.

“Listening to Shame” by Dr. Brené Brown

I have a confession to make: I’m a big fan of Dr. Brown and I would likely fangirl very hard if I met her. At least as much as an introverted therapist could fangirl. In her follow-up TED Talk, Dr. Brown addresses key take-aways from her research about shame and whole-hearted living.

Dr. Sue Johnson’s video library

Here you’ll find a compilation of videos from the originator of EFT herself, Dr. Johnson. Her videos cover everything from explaining what EFT is to how to make love work and last a lifetime to how to soothe a threatened brain (i.e., that place we go to when we feel our partner pulling away or arguing with us).

Hold Me Tight Weekends

This idea is so brilliant that I’m mad I didn’t think of it myself. For couples who wish to re-connect or want a relationship tune-up, I encourage you to consider enrolling in a “Hold Me Tight” weekend in Atlanta. You’ll connect with other couples who are like-minded and you’ll benefit from the guidance of trained EFT-therapists who will lead you through conversations to deepen connection and love for your partner.

Hey there! Looking for more? Follow me on Instagram for additional ideas to help you and your relationship.